I’ve decided to implement my own personal economic stimulus plan.
Since, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to make the proverbial “ends” come within shouting distance of one another, never mind meet, I’ve decided to borrow a fool-proof plan to solve my own personal economic meltdown.
This stroke of genius, which I admit I borrowed, comes in three parts.
I plan to become a foreign country. I’m not sure how I’ll pull this off, but I figure that since I own a half-acre (counting the unusable tract of overgrowth in the back yard), I have a starting point.
I’ve even designed my own flag, which my friends all think is cool. I admit it bears a striking resemblance to a “Smiley Face," although the mouth is angled downward, which makes all the difference.
I’m still working on a name for my new country and have been taking suggestions. Several people I’ve polled suggested I call it “Schmuckland," which is not bad, but somehow I think I can do better. Until then, however, Schmuckland it is.
Tragically, Schmuckland will find itself at odds with the federal government. It will be forced to send all of its military might (that would be me, my surly dog and one of my projectile-vomiting cats) on a full-scale assault on Washington itself.
Alas, Schmuckland’s mighty armed forces would find itself without enough bus fare to make it past Providence, forcing an unconditional surrender and a counter-assault on Schmuckland, itself, by however many U.S. forces you can fit on a half-acre, minus overgrowth.
To thwart any further aggression, Schmuckland promises to be good. The grateful Americans occupy the offending half-acre and vow to show the Schmucks the benefits of returning to a democratic society. This of course, will take time and luckily for me, will require a lot of foreign aid.
It won’t go unappreciated, I can assure you.
If the plan sounds like the script of a screwball comedy there’s good reason. Those who enjoyed Peter Sellers in the late-sixties film “The Mouse That Roared” will recognize it immediately. Except, of course, in the film the plan goes awry and the tiny offending nation actually wins their comic war. Hopefully that won’t happen to Schmuckland. There’s a lot riding on this.
How else can I — um, I mean, Schmuckland — afford to get the house painted, pool installed and receive a steady infusion of cash in this economy? Just add us to the long list of malcontents who earn big bucks from the U.S., simply by misbehaving.
Look at Iraq. They don’t care much for Americans, yet they’re getting billions of U.S. tax dollars. Ditto, for Afghanistan. The money just keeps flowing in, unlike say, the U.S. economy.
Americans are a generous lot. They’ve taken on the responsibility for aiding the entire world and no doubt would happily do the same for Schmuckland rather than, say, provide food, medical care and jobs for their own needy citizenry.
And to show their gratitude for the American largess, Schmuckland would agree to a public act of contrition.
“Try not to be a Schmuck,” they would tell the world at large.
And when they do, hopefully America is listening.