Movie Review | "John Carter"

The sci-fi spectacle, "John Carter" is lucky it even kept me in the theater!

Science fiction... this is right in my wheelhouse. Hell, my nearest and dearest friends call me the "Sci-Fi Guy!"

So when I heard about a movie being made by Disney, about a man who travels to Mars to save the planet from a global civil war, well let me tell you, I was as giddy as a school girl.

Everybody has different tastes in movies. We all have a genre of film that we are drawn to. My brother, the X-Man, (he's a minor league movie reviewer) well, he's always loved horror films. So we nicknamed him "Horror Guy." And Billy D.? Well, he's called "Comedy Guy." You know why? Because his favorite movies are comedies. And I also have one more friend who loves the movies. We go together all the time. His name is Paul Fortey. He just LOVES romantic comedies. Guess what we call him? "Rom-Com Guy!"

Ok, so maybe we're not too good with giving each other awesome nicknames, but we are good at going to the movies. So when my crew heard of the movie "John Carter," the first person they called was me, the "Sci-Fi Guy." They wanted to know what I thought of the trailers and if I had been looking forward to this film. I told them, "Eh, I'm not sure yet. It could be a wonderful jar of peanut butter, or it may just be a giant pile of fluff."

Today we're going to take a bite out of that sandwich and review the movie "John Carter."

First off, right out of the gate, I hated the name of the movie. When you're throwing $250 million into a blockbuster film, you MUST be sure you have the right title. I mean, "John Carter?" I had lunch with a John Carter two weeks ago, and he was so boring, I almost didn't see this movie because of him!

I'm sorry, I'm ready to rip this movie before I even get going, so, let me take a step back and tell you some good things first.

Taylor Kitsch. He is the title character, and I want him to succeed. He has a HUMONGOUS year ahead of him. He has this $250,000,000 film out right now. Then, in May, he has a $200,000,000 movie coming out called "Battleship." And finally, in July, he has a third movie coming out called "Savages." I don't know the cost of this film, but it's directed by Oliver Stone and is littered with BIG stars, so it's got to be pricey.

Basically, what I'm saying is, I don't want this guy to fail, but he's put all his eggs in one basket and he could be ruined by August. There is a 'plus' side to all this though, he is drop-dead gorgeous, and Hollywood has a hard time getting rid of hunks (except for maybe Carrot Top).

Ok, I am way all over the place. It's time for me to lasso myself back in and talk about "John Carter."

This movie starts on Earth and takes place a few years after the end of Earth's civil war. John Carter is doing his thing in the old West and eventually gets wormholed or teleported to Mars. When he comes to, he is under attack from big green aliens that have four arms and horns that come out of their cheeks.

John Carter has a superpower though. He can jump really, REALLY high and far. This has to do with Mars' lack of gravity. The aliens think he's mad dog, and a hero, and a savior, so they kind of hire him to fight for them in the civil war (the aliens don't really like him though).

There are also human-type people on the planet. I thought it was a civil war between the humanoids and the aliens, but there are also OTHER humanoids on the planet. And they are all fighting each other!

Time for me to start ranting.

I had no idea who was fighting who, and why they were fighting. And I couldn't figure out who were the good guys and the bad guys. Or if the aliens were good (which I think they were).

Another thing, John Carter could jump really, REALLY high... so what? If I was going to Mars I would want a better power than high jumping!

Also, they had so many stupid names for everything. Mars was called 'Basroom," Earth was called... I don't know, "Jasroon" maybe. Maybe it wasn't called that, but they should've just stuck with the names "Earth" and "Mars."

And the names of the people? Well, I'll never remember them. "Dejah Thoris" and "Tardos Mors" were names of important characters in the film. But I'll never remember them because those names suck! I need names like Han Solo, Princess Leia, and Boba Fett. Now there are some names that I can really sink my teeth into.

Anyways, the ending does have a little fun twist to it, but it's not really worth the ride to get to it. All I can say is, there may be a part two!

Here's a plus: The special effects were INSANE! Loved 'em!

Here's a minus: Enough with the 3D! It worked for "Avatar," but I think it's run its course. I left the theatre thinking that the movie was too dark, even though it wasn't. I'm done with those sunglasses!

So the "Sci-Fi Guy" got bitten in the rump a little bit with this sci-fi debacle, but so what? I've been knocked down before. I'll just get back up, dust myself off, and get right back into the theatre for the next sci-fi extravaganza.

I'm not worried, there's always hope for another great science-fiction film like "Star Wars," "Back to the Future," "Terminator," or "Freejack" right around the corner.

"Live long and prosper."

Matty W. Kelley reporting.

Fun Fact: Mars is only half the size of Earth and has only one-third of Earth's gravity. That means, you can jump three times higher than you can on Earth... so on Mars, white men CAN jump!

Fun Matty Fact: My favorite movie about Mars is "Total Recall" (1990), starring Ahh-nold!

Another Fact: The remake of "Total Recall" will be hitting theatres this August 3. It stars Colin Farrell, and two of my favorite babes, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel.

Tina March 15, 2012 at 11:05 PM
Amen Matty!
Marc C Saulnier, D.C. March 15, 2012 at 11:46 PM
Hahaha, sci-fi guy hasn't been a teenager in 20 years!
asdf March 16, 2012 at 01:14 AM
Review the frakkin movie, dont bore us with your buddies the romcom guy and the comedy guy. TL;DR
James Thomas Lawrence March 16, 2012 at 01:53 AM
If you aspired to be a critic, by prepared to be criticized. And when it happens, never respond to personal attacks. It's like an apology. Go on to your next subject. I agree with asdf: critique the movie. Stay focused on your subject. Is your critique based solely upon a comparison to Star Wars or Avatar? Did the names of the characters have that much bearing on your opinion? You really don't give us much to go on. You have to do better than "it sucked." It's nice to know you have siblings who have unique tastes. I feel like I know your family now. But what did it have to do with the film and it's merits? Before you continue this avenue perhaps you need to hone your skills. Get off the internet for a while. Perhaps you could write for your school publication. "Have some adventures. Fall in love. Write a book."
Tino Volpe March 16, 2012 at 12:19 PM
first, the comments are more interesting to read than the review, which wanders all over the place. Second, use an old saying Geeez "everybody's a critic" Third, my main complaint is I wanted to see this movie but not in 3D. I have no interest in seeing a movie in 3D and wearing those stupid glasses. I'm more than happy to watch it on a nice big flat screen with a good sound system. I get it. It's just a film. Anyway, when are they coming out with hologram movies. now that might be interesting. Fourth: For all you wound up potty mouths, time to switch to decaf.


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