Mediation Can Be Helpful in Elder Care

The disputes may start quietly, but they can and do brew into hot and heated arguments and, believe it or not, they have split families apart.

Take for example: Mom left a pot boiling on the stove again — you are fearful she’ll burn the house down.

Dad is getting forgetful and isn’t paying his monthly bills. You, and your siblings live faraway and through neighbors find out that the heat and electricity were turned off.

Dad’s got more scrapes and scratches on his car than the grand-kids do on their knees — you want him to STOP driving.

As adult children, you are concerned and decide amongst yourselves to take over. One of you wants to get Dad declared mentally incompetent, so the family can take control of his finances. One of you threatens to take Dad’s car keys. He threatens to write you out of his will. Another one of your siblings wants the house to be sold and Mom to enter assisted living.

Dad is now very angry. Mom thinks you’re over-reacting. Both parents are mortified — Dad because his kids are looking into how much money he has and how his finances are organized, and Mom because she feels as though the children are trying to control her life.

This might be a perfect time (before the "perfect storm") to call in a family mediator. Mediators come in as a neutral third-party to help families negotiate difficult situations and choices. With mediation, the family members, along with the parent, can usually come up with a unified solution.

Let’s face it, the trickiest of all family situations are the family dynamics. Unfortunately it is NOT uncommon to hear siblings reacting bitterly towards one another, especially during "family negotiations" when long-established family roles are known to take center stage when siblings get together to talk about "decisions."

That is why family mediators are helpful. A good mediator will make sure that the parent's voice is  heard, even if that person has Alzheimer's or dementia and might have trouble following the conversation. Mediators make sure that parents, even those with limitations on their capacity, will still have a say about things that may matter most to them: who and what family member they are most comfortable with; who they respect and trust; and where they may want to live. I firmly believe, as do most mediators, that although your parent may not have the capability to make substantial legal or financial decisions, they certainly have the ability to express opinions, wishes and desires.

It is important to note that the field of elder mediation is growing and it certainly should be considered prior to taking your family disputes to court. Mediation will provide an opportunity for the family to come together — it is helpful in that you will work together to make decisions, as opposed to litigating problems that are related more to your sibling rivalries than to your parents needs. It's best to remember that court can not only be contentious…it’s expensive!

Mediation allows the family to remain connected and feeling good about the consensus they have reached in regards to their parents well-being. Although the field of elder mediation is new and so far has little regulation, here are some local avenues to research:

State and community mediation centers; ask your local Council on Aging or Home Care Service for assistance in locating someone who has experience in this field.